I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
