So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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