Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I am spending my child support on dildos
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
