if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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