ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
