I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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