Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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