i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she looked like the before picture.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
