Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
