just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
