Don't make out with my wife yet
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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