There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
