my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
