EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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