I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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