The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
