it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
