Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
