hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
