cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
