the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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