I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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