wanna go halves on a baby?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
