I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
