when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
