i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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