i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
