so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
