I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
