My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
