So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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