She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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