I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
