Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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