Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
