Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
