She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
