xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
