Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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