birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
