I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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