I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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