my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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