I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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