Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
