i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
