I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
