call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
