You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
