you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
