Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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