Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
