I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize