sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
