3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize