We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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