i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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