Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Buhtt sex?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
