I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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