Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
